Sunday, January 6, 2013

Loving yourself is necessary to love someone else.

When I was younger, the whole "you gotta love yourself before you can love others" thing sounded like bullshit. But I'm older now and I've been down a few rough roads, and you know what? IT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE.

It's like this: Let's say that you aren't exactly filled with self-love. You have a negative self image, your esteem is shit, and you have a lot of negative self-talk going through your head. And let's say that for whatever reason, the girl of your dreams (for the purposes of this scenario, the girl of your dreams will be played by Sandra Bullock, because fuck you that's why.) falls head over heels for you.

So there you are, lying next to woman of your dreams, awake and thinking. Are you thinking to yourself, "I am a stone cold pimp!" NOPE. You're going to be thinking, "How did I get this lucky? What the hell does she even see in me? There's no way this is going to last." And then, without even realizing it, you're going to start sabotaging everything. You'll grow distant. You'll start to lose respect for her because somewhere deep in your mind is the thought, "How could someone like her ever love a loser piece of shit like me? She must be retarded." You're destined to fail.

The other side of the coin is that you end up with whatever partner you can get. You may want that girl of your dreams, but you don't feel you deserve her. You may not be crazy about her, but at least she's with you, so you can proudly proclaim you have a girlfriend. And she won't leave you because she has her own co-dependency issues to deal with. Now that you both have each other, neither one of you have to actually deal with the problems you have. Unless you wise up, you'll think that this is what love is. 

I hate to admit it, but I've been through some really bad relationships. We're talking emotionally abusive, manipulative, crazy women here. And you know what? I felt like that was the best I could have. That I was even lucky to have them. I ran my goddamn heart and soul through fucking broken glass for them. I worked so hard to make things good because I didn't want to lose what I had. 

Then one day I got married. She wasn't that hot in the physical sense, but she treated me better than any girl before. And you know what I did? I shit all over all of it. I became distant, treated her offhandedly, and practically lived up to the cliche of the loser husband. If she hadn't had her own esteem issues to deal with, I think she would've left me permanently early in our marriage.
I look back at those times and I'm embarrassed by it. Fucking angry too, if I'm being honest. I wish I could go back to my younger self and smack him around some. "Quit fucking around and get your shit together! You're way more awesome than you realize and here you are squandering your potential! You're too good to waste these good years like this!"

If I had "loved myself," I never would've stood for the shitty treatment I got, and I never would've been a shitty boyfriend and husband to the girl who actually treated me like a king. I'm thankful that I'm on the right path now, but damn, I wish I had understood the memo years ago as it would have saved me a lot of pain and causing the same. 

I am learning now, that I am someone who is worthy of loving because I finally found someone who makes me feel like I am worth loving myself. Therein lies the most important part of any relationship. For once I truly feel like I am not just settling for someone who is willing to love me, and it is the most amazing feeling in the world.

1 comment:

  1. Holy shit... Damn this hit something inside... I don't know what to say about this, I mean from MY (what I consider to be) unique stand point, what if it's just an amalgram of tiny parts just tossed together in the sense that it's your own negative talk, piled in with her (or his, for those of you out there) shit, coupled with everything just being the wrong time? I don't know. It's 6 AM EST and I'm strangely wide awake. Damn coffee. This is why I respect you Rev. You know that right? (Also for some reason I can't follow you, but I did with Bethan).